The Kindness Trap: Why Narcissists Love ‘Nice’ People

Hello Thoughtful People,

It’s another time to share my thoughts for this week, and whew, this one’s been burning on my heart for a while.

Let’s talk about something we were all taught to value, but rarely taught to understand…

The difference between being kind and being nice.

Because while they sound similar, they are not the same. And one of them, let’s be real, might just be the reason you’ve been attracting the wrong people, staying in the wrong rooms, and silencing the most powerful parts of yourself.

Being nice is what they taught us in school.

Be polite. Don’t talk back. Say sorry, even when it’s not your fault.

They applauded us for being “good girls” or “well-mannered boys.”

But no one warned us that niceness without boundaries is an open invitation for toxicity.

See, “nice” is what you do when you’re afraid to make others uncomfortable.

It’s what you say when you want to avoid conflict.

It’s the version of you that smiles through disrespect, agrees when you’re breaking inside, and bends so far you forget you were ever standing.

Nice says: I’d rather you be happy, even if I lose myself in the process.

And narcissists?

They love nice.

They spot it, sniff it out, and feast on it.

Because niceness doesn’t come from empowerment.

It often comes from fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of being disliked.

Fear of being called rude, dramatic, or “too sensitive.”

But kindness? Kindness is different.

Kindness is powerful.

Kindness can say “no” with a smile and mean it with a full chest.

Kindness stands tall, protects peace, and doesn’t flinch when someone gets uncomfortable with the truth.

Kindness is grounded in self-respect.

It doesn’t perform, it aligns.

It doesn’t people-please, it protects.

And let’s be clear: emotionally intelligent kindness is what we need to teach this next generation. Because being taught to be nice, without teaching discernment, is exactly how too many of us ended up in one-sided relationships, toxic friendships, manipulative family dynamics, or under the emotional grip of narcissistic personalities.

You don’t owe your peace to anyone who thrives on your silence. You don’t have to shrink to be accepted. You’re allowed to choose honesty over harmony when the harmony is fake anyway. Let that sit.

This shift, this bold, quiet reclaiming of yourself, is the very reason I wrote Narcissism and the Narcissist. Not as a trendy buzzword, but as a necessary, emotionally intelligent conversation. One that too many are scared to have out loud, but desperately need to.

The book doesn’t just unpack manipulation or gaslighting. It hands you the mirror. The one that shows you where you lost your voice, and how to get it back.

If you’ve ever felt like being “too nice” has cost you your voice, your peace, or your identity… you’ll want to grab your copy. (You’ll find it on Amazon and Book.by when you’re ready.)

But back to you.

You’re not here to be nice. You’re here to be whole.

To speak up, draw lines, and still move in love.

To raise children who know the difference, who aren’t afraid to choose kindness without performing for the world’s approval.

So, the next time someone says, “Be nice,” ask yourself, is this rooted in love or in fear?

Because emotionally intelligent people don’t just react, they reflect. And thoughtful ones?

We break cycles while we’re at it.

Until the next post…xoxo,
Stay Thoughtful!